Cecil Barnstormer had one simple motto, namely why drink one drink when several would go down just as easily. It was a motto that has served him well, that is if you count 16 visits to A&E including 4 to remove items from his body that had been late night dates as lucky. Further his alcohol induced state had resulted in 132 fights of varying violence including one with Jonny Weismullet that included a monkey, had thrice bankrupted him and twice saw him wed to the same lady. This latter lucky bride was Morticious who only escaped the second time after falling asleep in the fish body bath at the local foot spa. The police said they had never seen anything like it before and Gwenevere, the owner, went back to foot baths only on the advice of Chief Inspector Ivor Bigunn. I should add that Cecil had in fact had 12 wives, and thus 13 marriages. His most recent marriage was still going strong after 17 days, due in part to Henrietta going on holiday with her mother 2 days into the blessed alliance. The holiday for the newly wed bride had been a no brainer after her Mother had won a trip to Benidorm as a star prize at the big Gala bingo night in Thropton.
With the bride away, Cecil found himself on an all night bender to partly assuage his sad loneliness, partly due to a raging thirst brought on by a rare bout of exercise when Alf the giant terrier has chased him down Birding Street earlier causing Cecil to lose half of his Coop shopping, and partly due the Feathers having the Spice Girls on live, back by popular demand. They had of course never played the pub before, but no matter. Cecil saw the sign and he was as eager as any punter to get front row seats. He had modelled all of his brides on various members of the band with Geri winning currently in the lookalike count. In case you were wondering there had been four Geri’s, three Posh’s, two sporty’s and scary’s and one baby. Baby had lived up to her name, up all night and regularly filling her pants, and Cecil had vowed never to go down that avenue again.
So, there he was, in The Feathers, rammed to the rafters the Spices on the stage blasting out some hit or other whilst Cecil began to feel his old sauciness coming on. Sure he was a newly married man but her indoors was out of doors and he had five spices in front of him just waiting to be sniffed. He reasoned he was relatively sober with only 11 pints consumed and two shorts and so, without thinking twice, he bounded on to the stage like a demented hyena, keen to grab the microphone and the rather delectable Sporty Spice who looked remarkably like the lollipop lady from the corner of Cedar Avenue.
If only he hadn’t slipped on the sweat from various Spicettes on the stage floor, all could have been well, and yet Cecil’s last memory would be of him hurtling through the air towards Mary Bloodbuster on table 9 and the look of pure horror in her carefully made up face. His landing on her meal of donut and eggs was not Cecil’s undoing, but rather the upturned skewer around which Mary’s donuts were arranged. The vicar, the royally reverent Joseph Masterton, said Cecil would have wanted to end his life this way. His surviving wife, Henrietta, remained in Benidorm.